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3 dreams of a man: To be as handsome as his mother thinks.To be as rich as his child believes.To have as many women as his wife suspects 
Can't believe it's 2011 and I still can't serve my jail sentence online.
Whenever I exit a public toilet... I make sweaty eye contact with the person waiting and say “Top that, cowboy.”
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture
Your profile said you had a body like an amusement park, but when I met you it looked more like a trailer park. what gives?
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she'll be awake.
every 5 seconds somewhere on Earth a woman gives birth to a baby. We must find her and stop her.
Dear Eminem, Not only did you steal our name but we're both black on the inside too. Sincerly, M&M'S
Dear Facebook...All we asked for was a Dislike button.. Not more options on how to stalk people!
Woke up this morning and turned the T.V. on to find out I now have 3,000,000 channels! I'm not sure who put that satellite on my roof but thanks!
Like sands through the hourglass, Facebook wastes the days of our lives.
The thing that I miss the most about being young? Knowing everything.
You want confessions? Lock a person in a room with a laptop, a Facebook account and a bottle of booze.
The words "Haters" and "Swag" are overused by the people who have neither.
Whoa. The land-telephone appliance just rang. Couldn't remember what to do so I stopped, dropped, and rolled.
the pill...... the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid pregnancy
Ladies, don't give every man a taste because eventually you'll run out of flavor
So, just wondering...Is the Navy seal who shot Bin Laden going to get the 25 million bounty he so rightly deserves???? HE SHOULD!!!!
We get it. Female without the vowels is FML. Enough.
wondering whether Lady Gaga dresses up like a normal person when it's halloween. 