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I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it. 
Don't let anyone with bad eyebrows give you advice about life
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science
Sometimes I wish there was a rollover plan for naps I didn't take when I was a kid
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that's called a Turn Signal.
People say Cookie Monster sets a bad example and contributes to childhood obesity. Cookie Monster says people need to stop using cookie loving puppet as excuse for bad parenting.
Those miniature bottles of alcohol at the liquor store should be free samples while you shop.
Thanks to modern medicine, we can stay sexually active way past the age where anyone wants to see us nekkid.
In what world does a box of macaroni and cheese serve 4 people?
.... The poor mother was only trying to give her son a chance at a better life ..... Then zookeepers shot his new adoptive parent.
I'm bored, I think I'll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
Ok body wash, unless you're caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the "energizing" claims. You're soap.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that sh*t quick.
When I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and whisper, "Who did this to you?"
3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :((
Fellas: Bet your female friend that she can't use both of her elbows to touch her belly button. Watch, enjoy and thank me later.
Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
I saved my girlfriends phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'. Whenever she calls and I'm not around, the wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly. 