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Time to get out of bed. The world is not going to dominate itself. 
Life is like photography, we develop from the negatives.
well the heats off you for now Lindsey Lohan...tell Charlie Sheen thanks.
thinks the best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
When you look, you see reflections of your yourself. When you listen, you hear echoes of yourself. If you don't like something about what you see and hear, no point in smashing the mirror, change who you are becoming.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet!
A new website helps college students arrange for casual sex hookups. Don't college kids already have that? It's called Facebook.
Bristol Palin is payed as an Abstinence Ambassador... Great, now if we can only get Charlie Sheen to speak on alcohol awareness
Live this day as if it is your last. And if it turns out it isn't, make a great many apologies tomorrow.
I'm tired of being dissed by automated restroom paper towel dispensers.
The funny thing about life is, it can change your worst problem into the funniest joke. It just needs time.
Deleting your Facebook is the new regaining your dignity.
on tv shows whenever someone gets audited, they have a box with all of their receipts. Who has a box? I don't have a box. Should I have a box?
"When all is said and done" It will be really quiet.
"Guys insult each other and don't really mean it. Girls compliment each other and don't really mean it either."
When I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and whisper, "Who did this to you?"
3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :((
Fellas: Bet your female friend that she can't use both of her elbows to touch her belly button. Watch, enjoy and thank me later.
Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
I saved my girlfriends phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'. Whenever she calls and I'm not around, the wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly. 