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Whenever I feel unproductive and unaccomplished, I have to remind myself that "Windows 7 was my idea." That always lifts me up a little. 
wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
it true when the Pillsbury Dough boy bends over you see doughnuts??
Am I the only one that when I see a "Siemens" commercial I giggle?
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?
trying to get a grip on reality, but the gravity of the situation hit me like a falling brick. It broke my hold, so now I can't get back. I guess I'm stuck in this fantasy world for a while.
Life is like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today,may burn your a*s tomorrow.
not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
It is difficult to be stupid... competition is huge...
I'm ok with my masculinity, enough to eat a Blow Pop in public. But I won't swallow the gum.
Save your breath...no one wants to smell it.
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are.
Ever notice that one buddy that always seems to tell others to "take one for the team" has in fact never taken one for the team?
Dear Hotel Decorator, why do you insist on putting the coffee maker next to the toilet?
going to put doves in his coat in case he gets mugged, gotta keep things interesting...
You know that look women get right before they want to have sex? Me neither.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "sh!t" and "syphilis."
Sarcasm is the bodys defense to stupid people!
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am you think, i'm glad these are here. 