Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I wish that some people wouldn't talk to me in the morning until I've had my coffee. (I don't drink coffee).

   When I grow up I want to be a kid.

   Sorry, I'm not yawning because what you're saying is "boring." I'm merely stretching my mouth before I excercise it when I say "SHUT THE F*** UP!"

   Dear politicians, you're dumb enough as is, so I'd highly recommend you stay away from social media.

   You know that chemical that gets released in our bodies after sex that makes us think we like someone, hey science can you get rid of that?

   If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

   I've got some Spring in my step for an energetic foot up your ass! ~ Happy First Day of Spring!

   I hate when people are trying to talk to me when I'm in the middle of doing something really important... like being awesome.

   The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying ba$stards.

   If you don't carry around empty Dunkin' Donut gift cards to give to cops to get out of tickets, you guys aren't trying hard enough.

   I like to wear Grocery store uniforms and tell homeless people that I'm there to repo the shopping cart.

   I don't believe in neither the Democratic party nor the Republican party. I just believe in parties.

   One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole day is a good day.

   If I ever get a vasectomy, I'm going to ask the doctor if they can make it so that, everytime I ejaculate, a little flag pops out that say “BAM!”

   For the last f*cking time, this is the first time I'm seeing this movie and we started watching it at the exact same moment. I don't know the answer to your question.

   "What's that!! An earthquake?" "YES!! RUN!!!" "OMG, WAIT" *runs to the computer and writes on Facebook* EARTHQUAAAAAAAKE!!!

   I think Words with Friends... should really be called... Scrabble with Cheaters!

   HA! If you think I'M crazy you should meet ME!

   I'm not sure about you guys, but I'm pretty sure if she can sell seashells by the sea shore, she also has pretty big boobs.

   I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I'd have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.