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I wanna find a girl who loves me for my money, but doesnt understand math. 
Saw these ducks in the park today looking at their reflection in the water practicing their teenage slut face.
What if random erections are actually ninja handjobs?
Do you remember that time we were on the school bus and you had your head out the window and I had my a$$ out the window and everyone thought we were twins?
3 girls step on a magic rug that makes you dissapear if you tell a lie. Brunette: I think I'm the prettiest girl in school *poof* Red-head: I think I'm the most popular girl in school *poof* Blonde: I think- *poof*
My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally she swung open the door and asked "tell me honestly, do I look fat in this?". I replied "yes love, but to be fair, its a small bathroom"
Why is it that we attacked Iraq for supposedly having weapons of mass destruction (which they didn't) meanwhile North Korea is bragging they have nukes and are threatening us with them and we just twiddle our thumbs!
Do you know that feeling when you have a lot of work to do and you don't know where to start? That's why I'm on Facebook.
If a transvesite goes missing, would youu put their face on a carton of Half and Half?
got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Why do we always have to lose an hour on the weekend to make it shorter? Why cant Spring forward happen on a Friday afternoon so we can leave work earlier for happy hour?
With today being St Patricks day,I've decided to dedicate my life to helping leprechauns clean up thier act. They're always smoking the pot at the end of the rainbow.
When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken
ashamed of what he did for a klondike bar
blowing out another's candle will not make yours shine brighter.
this chick I was talking to told me on facebook to stop calling/texting her because she lost her phone. Right under her post was "sent from facebook for iPhone.
I don't know why some people are so irresponsible when it comes to paying bills. I mean like, I shouldn't be getting logged off the internet on my laptop just because my neighbor was late on paying his internet service... SMH..
I put Red Bull in my coffe pot this morning instead of water. I'm so wired I can see noises...
It has come to my attention that some of my posts or comments might have offended some of you. If I have offended you, I apologize. If I have NOT offended you, please be patient. I will get around to all my friends in the order received.
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it "Decisions, Decisions". 