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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot 
I wanna find a girl who loves me for my money, but doesnt understand math.
Saw these ducks in the park today looking at their reflection in the water practicing their teenage slut face.
What if random erections are actually ninja handjobs?
Do you know that feeling when you have a lot of work to do and you don't know where to start? That's why I'm on Facebook.
If a transvesite goes missing, would youu put their face on a carton of Half and Half?
Do you remember that time we were on the school bus and you had your head out the window and I had my a$$ out the window and everyone thought we were twins?
3 girls step on a magic rug that makes you dissapear if you tell a lie. Brunette: I think I'm the prettiest girl in school *poof* Red-head: I think I'm the most popular girl in school *poof* Blonde: I think- *poof*
My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally she swung open the door and asked "tell me honestly, do I look fat in this?". I replied "yes love, but to be fair, its a small bathroom"
Why is it that we attacked Iraq for supposedly having weapons of mass destruction (which they didn't) meanwhile North Korea is bragging they have nukes and are threatening us with them and we just twiddle our thumbs!
Everybody's got their own aIcohol they won't ever touch again because of an awful teenage experience
I got in trouble at the movie theaters for putting a 'wet floor' sign infront of the door to"Magic Mike"
might invent a new beer, call it "Occasionally". When people ask if I drink, I can say 'I drink Occasionally' this way they won't think i'm an alcoholic.
Today I had to ask myself "What would Jesus do?" because he just got deported and I have no idea how to cut my own lawn.
how are we gonna kill all the zombies if obama takes our guns away.
Who do I speak to about quitting adulthood?
I like to go to Best Buy and drink a cup of coffee in front of the Geek Squad guys then hand them my empty cup and tell them I successfully installed Java....they hate me
got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Why do we always have to lose an hour on the weekend to make it shorter? Why cant Spring forward happen on a Friday afternoon so we can leave work earlier for happy hour?
With today being St Patricks day,I've decided to dedicate my life to helping leprechauns clean up thier act. They're always smoking the pot at the end of the rainbow. 