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Girlfriend is going out of town tonight .... Who wants to come over and ask a bunch of questions about the movie I'm watching? 
I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I'm roofing.
If by handyman you mean someone with a nice collection of wrenches that came with unassembled furniture then yes, I'm a handyman...
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can't see the mailbox when she's backing up?
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
Just went you think it can't get any worse.. Miley, Amy & Katy now refuse to leave. America just can't get a break!
And they called ME the deplorable....
I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.
Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it.
The south side of Chicago needs a wildfire...
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.
Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
Well Easter is almost over, just saw Walmart employees putting up Christmas Decorations......
Stupid kid fell in the well again. --Lassie, if she were a cat.
It is amazing how many people have such bad reactions to gluten, peanuts, and facts.
Wishing my dog had a snooze button!!
My twelve year old was riding with me listening to a classic rock station and he says "I can't believe they have a Rock Band staion!"
A journey of ten feet begins with a single “Where the #%!= is the remote?”
Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some crap for Farmville.
Fact: If you sneak away to fart loudly in private and get caught by some innocent person walking by, you have to now hate that person. 