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Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand. 
Not to brag, but my nickname at work is "do you think he's alive?"
You had me at "Hello"... But you lost me when you kept talking.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
Don't worry Cat Zingano, I wouldn't last more than 14 seconds with Ronda Rousey either.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
Has science explained why you have to walk around the house when on the phone?
I dream about naps.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
A new study shows that young adults suffering from insomnia are at higher risk of a stroke. So, that information should help you finally get some sleep.
A new game show for parents with newly born babies: So You Think You Can Sleep.
Fact: A 3 year old can hear a candy wrapper being opened from up to 300 miles away.
Young lady, I'm old enough to be your dad's creepy high school friend with a pony tail who never married and works at the skating rink.
Sex is great, but.....HAVE YOU EVER HAD STUFFED CRUST PIZZA?!?!
Congrats to Comcast! Finally, somebody is happy to have Time-Warner Cable.
Post something very nice and flattering about someone. Then, after they thank you, change it to something dirty!!
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
Welcome to Chopped. Your mystery basket ingredients are four of your exes, from which you must create one decent human being. 