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The list of things I won't eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday. 
It's always nice to have a baker's dozen of something, unless it's like stab wounds or something.
Who we are never changes. Who you think you are does.
It must be a real self-esteem killer for a fat lady if the show always ends after she sings.
an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.
When I asked "How are you?" it was rhetorical.
Happy Get Drunk to Make Your Inlaws Less Annoying Day Eve!
"I don't mean to brag" is something people say right before they brag.
believes insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it. ツ
Okay, in case we get caught... lets get our stories straight
I don't remember anything past "we have 60 minutes to drink this keg."
My ex offered me a ride to the appointment, I declined and politely told her that I didn't think we would both fit on her broom...
I wish we could all legally divorce Kim Kardashian......
I could never have a threesome because I would just be apologizing twice as much the whole time.
I always leave a light on when I'm not home so no one accidentally breaks anything while robbing me.
Lazy is a strong word. I prefer to say that the stars are reaching for me.
THREE LAWS OF SCIENCE: 1. IF IT SMELLS BAD IT'S CHEMISTRY 2. IF ITS MUSHY IT'S BIOLOGY 3.IF IT DOESNT WORK ITS PHYSICS
I have to give a speech next week about the link between anxiety and insomnia, I have been up all night thinking about it.
HoodTranslations101: "Sh*t just got real" = The situation has escalated to the highest point of seriousness & is no longer a laughin matter
There is a big difference between hating you and losing respect for you. 