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Still trying to find a balloon that says: Congrats on your 6th baby with different men" I wont stop till I find it cuz I'm a good friend. 
Text from hubby: Wanna go to Lowe’s and get a new toilet seat tonight? Me: Hell yeah! In your face single people. IN. YOUR. FACE.
The media is a weapon of mass destruction....
I don't sign anything without pretending to read it first.
Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life has never experienced two candy bars falling down at the same time from a vending machine!!!!
You're exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
I'd like to know what Obama or Romney propose to do about bathroom mirror profile pictures.
If the head of the CIA (Petraeus) can't keep a secret such as cheating on his wife, then they're screwed.
I don't know what all this fuss is about Same Sex Marriage! Me and my wife have been having the same sex for 21yrs! It's boring but it isn't worth getting all upset over!!!
Homeless guy walking by this bar patio looked at me and said "I'm your future," and I was like "Sweet, we have a cool beard."
I see you over there practicing selective intelligence.
HEY,,,, Don't complain to me about "how hard life is out there",,, When I was your age,,, they only had three types of salad dressing,,,,,,,THREE......
I was driving through a parking lot and this young guy was walking along, texting. He briefly glanced at my truck passing by and was timing his walk so he would pass by right behind my truck as I drove by....he didn't see the ladder sticking out the back.
I don't always eat breakfast naked, but when I do, I get escorted out of IHOP really quickly......
I'm guessing we call it "baby powder" because that sounds better than "adult ball powder"?
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
All new Hell's Kitchen tonight. Going to get into the spirit by hanging out in the kitchen and scream at my wife while she cooks dinner.
I tried to say no to the vodka but it was 40% stronger than me
When I was a kid they didn't call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "A Brat about to get an a$s whooping".
FYI- Clear plastic bra straps make you look like you're stuffed in a 6-pack ring. 