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Procrastination is like masturbation...if feels good while you're doing it but in the end you only f*cked yourself 
So if Bruce/Catline Jenner goes missing, will they put the picture on a carton of Half & Half?
I think Bruce Jenner's trying a little too hard to 'Keep Up With The Kardashians.'
If we have learned anything lately, it's to never run from a lazy cop.
What's the difference between pick and choose? Pick is when you make a decision about something & Choose is what Puerto Rican women wear on their feet!
A lot can happen in 2mins during football.. Like 47 useless commericals..For instance..
I saw my ex go kiss her new boyfriend I shouted, "Hey! That's been on my pen!s!"
There isn't enough make-up in the world to cover-up crazy!!!
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
Ladies, easy way to tell if a guy is married? Look into his eyes, if there is any sign of life left, he's single.
I can leap off tall buildings in a single bound, but only once.
If you hear the words "oh yeah, suck it" coming from my bedroom, it's probably just me vacuuming.
If the waitress doesn't have a visible tattoo the restaurant is usually too expensive for me.
Dear Mark Zuckerberg... We left Myspace because Facebook was simple, not all flashy, & it was always changing crap... FYI... Your running a close race now... Leave an option for us to keep it simple... Thanks...
Its all fun and games until you realise your Capri Sun has no straw.
So you wonder why I never seem to get any sleep. Well I never go to bed angry. I stay up and plot my revenge. So ask yourself something, do I hate alot of people or is one person really going to get it. Now your wondering if its you.
Honestly can people quit falling for these Facebook scams and virus's all this 'view her commit suicide' or links to other random crap like 'view whos seen ur profile' - just dont click on it! Their all bugs so avoid at all costs! Dont let curiosity kill
Elton John is said to be writting a tribute song for Bin Laden's Death - SANDALS IN THE BIN
Let's play a game. Let's pretend we're in love. lets text each other all the time, just for the fun. Whoever falls in love first, loses.
Why is that the world is always going to end on a weekend? Why not Monday morning, ideally before I have to get up and go to work? 