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"Omg, what a cute baby. He's adorable. Makes me want...oh never mind he's crying now bye" 
We get it. You think you're hot. After 6,000 selfies we're still not convinced.
Decaf coffee is like a hooker that only wants to cuddle.
Dear Turkeys,,, Your long range weather forecast is 350 degrees on Thursday the 28th.
Toronto: what did you expect when you elected Chris Farley for mayor?
Miley Cyrus eats Twerky for Thanksgiving..... (I am so sorry)
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper's only tooth.
Well, if you count Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.
Not sure who is in the stall next to me, but he's going to need to be tested for post partum depression after that one.
Another dissapointing day getting to work and not finding a smoldering crater where the building used to stand.
My wife told me I need to grow up. I was speechless. Its really hard to talk with 45 gummy bears in your mouth.
I like to wear a stethascope around my neck so that when there is a medical emergency people learn a valuable lesson about false assumptions.
You guys know you can just buy M&M's instead of trail mix, right?
I bet Kim, Khloe and Kourtney are pretty angry with Caitlyn for hogging all the attention.
I really shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night especially because I walked there.
There's no way to close your curtains without looking like your murdered everyone in your house.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I'm finally ready to start harassing people.
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
The Wizard of Oz is 70 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no balls, she wouldn't be in Oz. She would be in congress...
I think I'm emotionally constipated because I haven't given a sh*t in days 