Funny Status Messages

   Miley's a$$ is so flat it looks like a backwards cameltoe!!

   Taylor Swift seems like the kinda girl who would put her stuffed animals in another room when she has sex.

   My doctor gave me a prescription for anti-depression meds but my Bartender is having a hard time reading his writing...

   Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day... Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV,,, and you can sleep for an extra hour.

   needs a shirt that says "Relax! It's not Swine Flu, it's just my allergies.

   If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it

   Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

   if it is not on wikipedia, then you are wrong, lady

   Some people use the power of positive thinking..... others you can be positive that they're not thinking

   "Scent" is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.

   just written "You have no new messages" on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and thrown it far out to sea.

   Bing is a great website, for internet searches. I know this, because I Googled it.

   Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets...

   wondering when BP is going to change the warning label on its gas from; Product contains up to 10% Ethanol, to, Product contains up to 50% salt water....

   I have accumulated considerable wealth which, along with my collection of firearms, makes me very attractive to women. (Every rap song)

   If you got a problem with your woman dont go out and get another woman cause now you got 2 problems

   I'd rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.

   I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I won't do now; Things I won't do later; and, Things I'll never do.

   I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. ;)

   Some people should come with subtitles.