MBH Funny Status Messages

   I was not surprised to hear the obese woman in front of me in the Funnel Cake line say, "I only come to the fair to eat." However, I was skeptical when she added, "I like that I can eat AND walk around."

   Your eyes make the stars look like they're not shining.

   With a name like "Earl," I'm more afraid this hurricane will get drunk and beat a pregnant woman, than I am that it will cause flooding.

   A watched pot never boils. But an unwatched pot boils dry and burns. Is there a happy medium?

   I see myself as a huge fiery comet, a shooting star. Everyone stops, points up and says, "Oh look at that!" Then whoosh, and I'm gone... and they'll never see anything like it ever again... and they won't be able to forget me - ever.

   No meal tastes as delicious as the meal that someone else cooks.

   When I see a bumper sticker that says "Bring home the Troops," I mentally finish the sentence with "then send in the Ninjas."

   I still stop conversations to join in for that "Hey! Must be the money!" part of the song.

   Driving school wouldn't be so bad if cops started giving tickets to all the hot girls they pull over.

   Mr. Dentist you can b*tch at me all day to start flossing, but the truth is I'm more likely to watch Jersey Shore than I am to floss. I'd rather have a pincone shoved up my a$$ than watch jersey shore. So unless you've got a pinecone, stop wasting my time

   Yeah, come on over we're just pre-gaming for the grocery store.

   Does all this updating my Facebook status make my ego look fat?

   Girls, if you think you can "do better" we know you want a guy that makes more money. Guys, if you think you can "do better" we know you want a girl you like seeing naked... better.

   Every top 10 list I've ever seen has at least two entries that are clearly better than number 1... especially when it comes to the preseason College Football poles.

   Captain Obvious must have been the last superhero name available.

   My friend was at a strip club and a girl came over and shook her goods for him while he talked to a friend not even looking at her. She said, "Scrw you, you didn't tip or even look at me?!?" Embarrassed, he gave her $20. My buddy got guilt stripped.

   My invisible make believe deity can beat up your invisible make believe deity

   I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like P. Diddy but it wore of by the morning,

   Obama says... It would be very helpful to me if the rest of you would please stop striving for excellence.

   What's this bullsh*t that Pandora is telling me that I've gone over my free music listening privileges for the month and now I have to pay a fee to listen some more?!?! This is America! And in America, Pandora should be free no matter how much you use it!