Funny Status Messages

   If I had a dollar for everytime that I wished I had a dollar......

   For those of you whose New Years Resolution is to lose weight. There is one simple diet that works. It is, as follows: If it tastes good - spit it out.

   ‎'If you see an angry bear, pretend to be dead,'...are you sure? I won't be pretending for long. It's a bear that's already angry. The last thing I should be doing is playing a practical joke on it.

   told the dog it is weird that he follows me into the bathroom all the time. So he walked out. Now I'm weirded out that he speaks English.

   To Like Your Own Status Or Picture On Facebook Is Like High-Fiving Yourself!!!

   When Kraft writes "To open push here" on their mararoni and cheese box, what they really mean is "You can try, but this tab is never going to open"

   Make love, not war.-Hell, do both GET MARRIED!

   It's whiter outside than a Pat Boone concert!

   reading his friends' statuses and adding 'in bed' to the end of each one.

   So far today I've accomplished absolutely nothing - maybe I should be a politician.

   Why is "patience" a virtue? Why can't "hurry the f*ck up" be a virtue?

   I don't even know how to spell anymore. I type the 1st half of the word and wait for auto correct to do the rest.

   How come when a man doesn't shave for a few days, it's considered "sexy stubble" but when a woman doesn't shave for a few days it's "disgusting or looks like she's got Buckwheat in a headlock"?

   Something about winning always attracts losers with opinions

   how ironic would it be to choke on a lifesaver?

   Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise

   baffled how I have to wake up early every day and deal with people who are unpleasant and David Carusso still has an acting job.

   Has anyone checked on Tupac lately? He hasn't put out a posthumous album in quite a few years.

   money may not bring her happiness. But she'd rather cry in a Mercedes than in a bus.

   If I've learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it's to stay away from those in the tampon isle.