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wakes up grumpy, but most days he just lets her sleep.... 
We should be able to Text 911, you know, just in case you're hiding from a serial killer and can't talk.
If anything I post offends you, please bring it to my attention so I can delete you off my friends list.
no matter how hard it rains, two dudes under one umbrella is a little gay
no woman will ever be truely satisfied because no man will ever have a chocolate penis that ejaculates money…
I tuned into the Miss Universe Pageant hoping to see Miss Jupiter, but it turns out only Earth entered the competition.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Pain is nature's way of saying, "Don't do that." Painkillers are mankind's way of saying, "Just watch me."
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knees to chest dammit! KNEES TO CHEST!
If you don't like the new photo viewer on Facebook...Hit the F5 key after the picture comes up and it will return you to the old way of viewing the photo and remove the black box around it.
Wow I slept like an air traffic controller last night.
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good girls blush when they watch porn but bad girls smile coz they know they can do better!!! ;-)
If you're a midget, and you don't dress up as a leprechaun and hand out chocolate gold coins for Halloween, you're just being selfish!
TRUE STORY: I held the door open for an Asian gentlemen yesterday at the mall. He said "Sank You." He better not be referring to Pearl Harbor.
To Michael Brown's family: I hope you find closure. To Darren Wilson: I hope you find peace. To the rioters: I hope you find jobs.
Women close their eyes during sëx because they can't stand to see a man having a good time.
The plain cake donut is always the last one picked.... Come with me poor little plain cake donut,, you can be on my team.
last time I checked this was the "funny facebook status website" not the deep and meaningful status website
Girls don't be proud if every guy wants you... Cheap items have many buyers
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