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I went to Web MD to look up my symptoms and found out I died in my sleep. Thanks a lot Web MD! 
Do they sell Alphabet Soup in China?
If reincarnation were real, I'd like to come back as a stomach virus, so I could say that I truly give a sh!t….
I guess CVS is going green. Today's receipt for cough drops was only 27 inches long.
Just got an email from MySpace asking, "Where Have You Been?" Well MySpace, it hasn't been 2006 in a while.
Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "HOLY $HIT... WHAT A RIDE!"
If you want to make enemies, go and try to change something. If you already have enemies, good! It means you've stood up for something sometime in your life.
R.I.P. "Macho Man" Randy Savage. I'll do a flying elbow drop from the foot of the bed to salute you!
The only place that the rapture happened was on myspace.
the next time I screw up bad I'll say "well at least I didnt predict the end of mankind and nothing happened"
After 10 Dos Equis beers, I think I'm the most interesting man in the world.
When I'm drunk, my phone should say "are you sure you want to send this text?"
People who remove the the vowels to text..why don't you do us all a favor and remove the consonants too?
Don't keep telling yourself, "I deserve better" and continue to date worse.
High Heels are a man's invention to make it harder for a woman to run away.
watched waterworld last nite, why was kevin costner and everyone so dirty when the entire world was covered in water?
Maybe the people that say money can't buy happiness are just buying the wrong stuff?
wishes that my brain would autocorrect words before they leave my mouth.
since it's the thought that counts.. I'll keep thinking about exercising.
saw a naked man running down his road. I rolled down the car window and asked "hey why are you running stark naked " to which the naked man replied "because you are home early....."
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