Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I live by my own rules... that my gf has reviewed, revised and then approved. BUT STILL MY OWN RULES!!!!

   I'm not lazy. Someone just stole my motivation. I'm the victim here!

   Not even my closest friends know me as well as my internet history does.

   I wonder how many times that fat kid on Adam's Family locked himself in the bathroom with a playboy and that freaky hand thing?!?!

   Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio :)

   I'm thinking that the only good mornings are the ones that start in the afternoon.

   But officer, I wasn't texting while driving! I was updating my status!

   Hi. I'm in a staff meeting. There are 62 ceiling tiles in our meeting room, 6 light fixtures with 24 fluorescent bulbs. That is all.

   Before you get into a fist fight look the other person in the eye and calmly say "I have enough money to bail myself out of jail. Do you?"

   keeps a fake journal claiming I've done monumental stuff, so if I ever develop amnesia, I'm gonna think I'm freakin' AWESOME!

   Have you ever watched birds and wondered: "If I could fly who would I crap on first?"

   Everyone has that moment of terror when their line of thinking goes from "Where did I park my car?" to "Did someone steal my f*cking car?"

   Just when I start to think mankind will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 15 minutes.

   Think Big. Think Positive. Think Smart. Think Beautiful. Think Great. I know,that's too much for you, so here is a shortcut. JUST THINK ABOUT ME!

   When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and break down crying.

   95% of American drivers say "oh sh!t!" before driving into a ditch... The other 5% are rednecks saying "hold my beer and watch this sh!t."

   If you can go the entire car ride without eating some of your french fries, you're obviously some type of sorcerer.

   Never give a woman a straight answer. Give them gay answers, they love gay answers.

   A jealous girlfriend is a faithful girlfriend. If she doesnt get jealous when someone has your attention, it's because someone has hers.

   I heard the new NBA 2K13 is so real that when Kobe gets the ball, the pass button just stops working.