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I'm starting to feel bullied by all the anti-bullying commercials. 
Dear woman who likes to bring her friends along on our first date. You are simply giving me more options just in case I am not feeling you.
Which sounds classier, "dong," or "schlong?" I'm writing a letter to my grandmother.
just found out there was no pinatas at the new years party and I owe the host 479.00 for new lamps...haha
Hey..........all the political and media people are in Iowa. If we could somehow fence it off, this is our chance to start a new society. Who's down???
If you don't already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
No I didn't want a receipt but now that you've asked me I'm suspicious, so yes, I will have that receipt now please.
I've been knocking for ten minutes. Don't people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
Life would be more simple if the person who named the orange an orange would have named more things!
Last night when I was drunk I asked a cat if it could talk, it replied! "Me? How?"
"The reason why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."
A lot of people assume when you laugh while texting someone, it's because what they said is funny. But in most cases, you're laughing at what YOU said because you're just that freaking hilarious.
No one can change a person, but someone can be a persons reason to change. - Spongebob.
Conrad Murray is guilty?!? In other surprising news, Kim Kardashian is getting divorced, Casey Anthony killed her daughter and Justin Beiber will never be anyones father because he is, in fact, a girl...
Girls: Theres always going to be that girl you think is much prettier, funnier, sweeter and just generally more perfect but have you ever realized that you're probably that girl to someone else?
the problem with being punctual is that there is rarely anyone there to appreciate it
so who has actually used trigonometry since they left school?
says: Is it just me or do all the people in "The Snuggie" commercials look like they are in a cult???
My inability to use emoticons correctly is really getting me down :)
Just got a chance to listen to my voicemails. I was pretty popular in 2009. 