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I am currently putting together a workout video called "8 Year Abs" 
WOW!!! Your profile picture is a car, I never knew you were a transformer.
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there's a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
I just hit a guy in a Smart Car with my bicycle.......................he didn't make it
I went to walmart today... I got the cart with three wheels and a hoof.... This always happens to me.
I bet cats are pissed they can't sit on televisions anymore.
My shoulder just got to 2nd base with the chick who is cutting my hair...
I'm going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
Apparently my microwave has two settings....Cold in the center and Surface of the sun...
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
UPS, FedEx, and DHL trucks should play a jingle like ice cream trucks so we know when our packages are coming.
If you are the winner of Friday's $500 million Mega Millions jackpot can receive the winnings in one lump sum, yearly installments, or one tank of gas.
"Whatcha doin' ... Payin' bills? I'm just gonna lay on top of 'em, K? Oops, I knocked them all over. Let me shove my ass in your face." - The Cat
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
I need a new assistant for my knife-throwing act. Also need a large rug and a gallon of bleach.
With subpar graphics and no discernable plot, TurboTax is, hands down, the worst video game I have ever played.
I can't see an end, I have no control and I don't think there's any escape, I don't even have a home anymore...Definitely time for a new keyboard.
todays to do list.. 1) buy a sword. 2) name it kindness. 3) kill people with kindness.
If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.
you will have "im a barbie girl" in your head in 2 seconds.(: 