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Life is weird. You can go from being strangers. To being friends. To being more than friends. To being pratically strangers again. 
If I owned a copy shop, I'd only hire identical twins to work there.
MILFs nowadays are 16 years old.
I just got home from the convenience store where I saw two homeless people making out. It was gross so I was about to yell "Get a Room", luckily I caught myself just in time
good girls blush when they watch porn but bad girls smile coz they know they can do better!!! ;-)
Happiness is a cop car turning his lights on behind you and immediately going past you.
reminds parents of children under 3 years to refer to their kid's age in years, not months. It's a child, not cheese.
Facebook needs to add a maybe button for friend requests, some people deserve to wait for a decision to be made.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
I'm just sitting here thinking of all the absolutely incredible things that I could accomplish this year. That is, of course, if I gave a sh/t....
Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for Belgian beer, then going home to sit on Swedish furniture, watching American shows on a Japanese TV.
The economy is so bad, a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
Labor Day was canceled because too many people couldn't remember what it was like to have a job :)
Have you ever woke up in the morning wanting to smack someone for NO apparent reason?
Dear Man Next To Me: You might want to turn down your iPod, because everyone in the room can tell you're listening to "Party In The USA" even though you don't think they can.
Since M&M's have been saturating the market with various different types of flavors and centers, here's an idea for them: put mini M&M's inside regular ones and voilà! M&M's Pregnants.
Got my Halloween costume- Snookie! I will wear clothes 5 sizes too small, paint my body umpa loompa orange, walk around half naked, drunk and obnoxious.
sleeps well with others
A save electricity sign: "Don't you hate it when someone turns you on, and then just leaves?"
I felt sorry the hypnotist I saw last night He hypnotised seven men then dropped the microphone on his foot & yelled "F*ck me!".. What happened next will haunt me forever! 