Mick F Funny Status Messages

   My buddy got a cheap hooker. He paid ten dollars and woke up the next day with crabs. He saw the hooker and complained. She said, "Whattya want for ten bucks, lobster?!"

   I had my mom get me some condoms once. I told her I used them to keep my cigarettes dry at the beach. She went to the pharmacist and asked for some. Wise guy asked, "What size?" She said, You know, for a camel!"

   Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

   Mosquito season is here. Put a fabric softener dryer sheet in your pocket to keep those pesky critters at bay. Even if it doesn't work, the Skeeters will be velvety soft and attain an April Fresh scent.

   If more people...instead of stirring the pot, would smoke it...the world would be a happier place.

   My Karma Ran Over Your Dogma

   I would love to see things from your point of view, but I cant seem to get my head that far up my ass

   My lifetime ratio of bananas purchased to bananas eaten is running about 5 to 1.

   A hooker approached me while she was eating a bag of Lays. I instinctively produced a bag of Wise and ran in the opposite direction.

   I've come to the realization that I have attained the pinnacle of middle aged complacency. My Friday nights are mostly spent with the remote in one hand, and my b***s in the other.

   I happened upon a KKK rally. I said, "The only races you rednecks recognize are Indy and Daytona."

   How do you say "virgin" in Dutch? Goodentight.

   My daughter came home from school and said that a boy showed her his pen!s. She said it reminded her of a peanut. I said, "Why, was it small? She said, "No, it was salty."

   Jamie Lee Curtis, please take your Activia, and blow it out your a$$.

   The Obamas are on vacation. Someone send a cop car by the White House to make sure Biden wasn't left home alone.

   My girl and I are like oil and vinegar. We have to shake things up to make it work.

   I was afraid the first time I went parachuting. The instructor said if I didn't jump, he'd stick his manhood where the sun doesn't shine. I jumped. A little.

   There's nothing that irks me more than guys fawning all over a hot, yet insecure dysfunctional actress type on facebook, as if they're gonna "get some". It's like watching people kissing the a$$ of a train wreck.

   Camping? Yeah right. My idea of roughing it, is a night at Motel 6 with Basic Cable.

   How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb? Seven. Why? COS IT JUST DOES OKAY......!!!!!!!!