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I just got my wifes Christmas gift. I hid it in the oven. She will never find it there! 
I typed my ex's address into my gps and instead of directions the voice said "I don't think you really want to go there"
I heard a fantastic idea today. Instead of the strip-screener machines at the airport, we need a reinforced isolation chamber, once in, any explosives on the body are somehow detonated. Everyone is happy.
it's not possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement!
you have thousands of friends, but very little comments....What does that tell you?
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
I miss the days when the scariest thing on TV was "The Twilight Zone" and not "The Nightly News."
Just had a very positive experience with Verizon Customer Service. What the hell is this world coming to?
A mouth with a sharp tongue will cut its own throat
Before I go to sleep, I start imagining stuff that I would like to happen.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I've been turned into a parrot!"
I think it's safe to admit that my Retirement Plan consists solely of me acquiring a Time Machine and knocking Biff out in the parking lot.
i feel like a jerk. I just laughed at a life alert commercial.
Me and my bed are in a committed relationship, I think my alarm clock is just jealous of our love.
Dear Man, It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it? Sincerely, Elephant
"Do you have a cell phone?" You might as well be asking me if I have a pulse.
Getting some cans of gas to make this years homemade fireworks show more entertaining.
Visa is everywhere you want to be…except out of debt.
I think my memory must be made up of at least 90% song lyrics... 