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I saw some black kids spraypainting their names on a wall and decided to join in. I'd only done the first three letters of my name when they started beating the sh*t out of me. They obviously don't like people called Nigel. 
Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account.
"We are upping our standards... so up yours!"
my son informed me this morning that they no longer call it "Old School". It's now known as "Lame". If he wasn't my kid, I'd have thrown my Walkman at him....
when your life flashes before your eyes, make sure you've got plenty to watch.
If I park 20 spots from the store, in an empty parking lot and you park right next to me, I'm slamming my door into your car 34 times.
oly crap! I just realized that I'm still "it" from a game of tag in 1987.
My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes." I replied, "I'm working at the moment, I will send you one later." He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one."
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was 'this is how pornos start'. It's just elevator talk.
I think I hear an aftermarket muffler... I guess that means my pizza is here.
Look darling. I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world nor the richest or the smartest but to be brutally honest, I don't see anyone else stalking you.
I have been watching all the rioting in Egypt on TV and have yet to see somebody walking like an Egyptian
A baby was born laughing really hard with its fists closed! The confused doctor unfolded its tiny fingers and found a birth control pill.
I love them all.....Fake (+)(+) , Perfect (o)(o), Perky (*)(*), Cold (^)(^) and even Grandma's \o/ \o/ Big ( • )( • ) or small (.) (.) save them all. REPOST for Breast Cancer Awareness.
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I'm not beating her.
If anyone's interested,, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 3 pm on, until I'm removed by security.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is 'funny and spontaneous', yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it's all panic and screaming.
My girlfriend says that I treat her like a child. So I gave her a sticker for standing up for her self.
Never date a girl whose father calls her "Princess." Chances are.. she believes it
If you want to find a missing person, put their pictures on cigarettes. Smokers are the only ones standing outside in all kinds of weather. 