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The man in the toilet stall next to me sounds like he’s pushing a car up a hill and not making any headway. 
I wrote you a little song. It's called, "Stop including me in group texts or I'm going to cut you."
.... Isn't it curious that Hillary's health narrative went from "Stop the Conspiracy Theories" to "Hillary is perfectly healthy, stop being sexist" to "FDR had Polio and was a good President" in less than 12 hours?
I’m just a social drinker. Every time someone says, “I’ll have a drink”, I say, “Social I.”
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don't care about being healthy and smelling clean."
Trojan rejected my safe sex slogan today. "Don't kid yourself".
I wonder if he will put Hillary in jail now?
Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
What does "prices too low to advertise" mean? Are they afraid if they advertise the price that too many people will want to buy it?
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I got Jennifer Aniston's autograph! Well, it's on a restraining order but still...
Not sure what's longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Of all the poop in this world, who decided that bat shyt's the craziest?
Mom: Clean up your room. We have company coming over for dinner. Me: And we're all going to eat in my room?
A sheep spends it's entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
I don't understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What's next, more things?? That's how they get you
My wife finally broke our dog begging at the table. She let him taste her cooking.
As a high school student, I think I was bitten by a radioactive sloth 