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It used to be only captured criminals covered their faces with their jackets... Now it's people telling pollsters how they're going to vote. 
The man in the toilet stall next to me sounds like he’s pushing a car up a hill and not making any headway.
I wrote you a little song. It's called, "Stop including me in group texts or I'm going to cut you."
.... Isn't it curious that Hillary's health narrative went from "Stop the Conspiracy Theories" to "Hillary is perfectly healthy, stop being sexist" to "FDR had Polio and was a good President" in less than 12 hours?
I’m just a social drinker. Every time someone says, “I’ll have a drink”, I say, “Social I.”
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don't care about being healthy and smelling clean."
.. To make sure they will arrive on time, I'm mailing my Christmas cards now.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
If you can't afford to tip your food delivery drivers working in the pandemic maybe you should try to save some money by eating at home.
Does anyone know if we have any wiggle room when it comes to the 6ft distances rule?
Someone told me that they had a little seizure and I had to resist saying pizza, pizza.
When she starts "first of all "in the middle of an argument,just give up, she has won already as she is gonna bring up stuff from 10 years back
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
A sheep spends it's entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. Ain't no psychotic meltdowns, either...
Just so everybody's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.
When I was younger I wanted to play guitar really badly. And after lots of hard work and practice, I now play the guitar really badly.
I've always wanted to lay naked on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace. Unfortunately, Cracker Barrel has a policy against this.
"Waiter, how do you prepare your lobsters?" "Nothing special, we pretty much just tell them straight up that they are going to die." 