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The three magic words EVERY woman loves to hear, “You were right.” 
Some people's morning breath is an effective form of birth control.
My elderly neighbor wanted to know what my email number was.
you know your getting old when you hurt yourself sleeping
Party in my snowfort at 7pm. BYOB, no coolers needed.
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
The part of "no" that I don't understand is the part where I don't get what I want.
you ever have a conversation with someone and think...If only your family tree had a few more branches, this conversation wouldn't be so painful...
Breaking News: U.S. Terror Alert Level is now raised to “Confetti”
Dear Mr. Chip bag thank you for telling me that 23 peices equal one serving. However, I need clarification on the exact size of your standard chip. Perhaps a life size picture on the bag would help.
You remind me of those kids in elementary school who would put their mouth against the faucet when drinking out of the water fountain.
After the Rapture, can I have your car?
I don't know if this guy standing next to me is drunk or just a doofus, but be has his phone against his ear and it's on speaker!
There are two types of people I hate in this world: Nosey people AND people who won't tell me what the hell is going on in their lives.
It's going to take a lot more than a few “LIKES” on my Facebook page to make me forget what an ass you were in high school.
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
I'm like your virginity, Once i'm gone, you ain't getting me back.
That inopportune moment when you notice the "For a good time call" # on the bathroom wall is your girlfriend's cell #.
Do our elected officials even know what their Job Description is? I'm pretty sure it doesn't include ignoring and trashing the Constitution!
According to WebMD, MedicineNet, Healthline, Mayo Clinic, Symptom Checker, NetDoctor, MedlinePlus, Johns Hopkins and InfoMedNet, I'm OCD. 