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...it's not you, it's me. I don't like you 
My grandmother just asked me why I don't have any photos on Facebook. Well, at least I know my privacy settings are working properly.
wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome.
Never hold your farts in. They go up your Spine then into your mind and that's where you're shi*ty idea's come from!"
Whoa there, magazine, I already bought you. No need to pop out a million little post card babies asking me to subscribe.
My friend said he couldn't tell if it was a compliment or an insult that a hot chick only wants to hook up with him, but not date seriously. On one hand, she is just using you for sex. On the other hand, shut the hell up.
when light turns green, it means GO not text
Pregnant women look so happy. It's like they don't even know what's going to happen.
Anyone who says you can't judge a book by its cover hasn't seen the cover of “The Big Book of Huge Breasts”.
"You are so rude!" moaned my wife. "The whole time I was talking you were yawning!" "I was not yawning. I was trying to say something."
I'm always very flattered and humbled when I get an invitation on facebook from someone I don't know, to attend something I never heard of, along with about 12,000 other people.
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
I think Congress should be forced to go on minimum wage. That way I can feel more comfortable calling them public servants!
Just bought 2 donuts without sprinkles... Diets are hard ツ
* Walk in jury duty.... * Hand both lawyers a copy of my latest status updates..... * Walk out of jury duty....
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat...
"Putting a load in the dishwasher" has different meanings depending on whether you're married or not.
You're annoying, but honestly, I've been annoyed by better.
My kid is almost old enough for social media, so we'll need to have "the talk" soon. You know, about your/you're and there/their/they're. 