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I love to shop, but I’ll never buy your bull. 
If a woman says, “my nipples are pierced,” the correct response is, I don’t believe you.
When you tell a joke so funny at work that HR wants to hear it.
You don’t have to drop to your knees every time you eat a hotdog.
Laying in bed at 3am and thinking that you should’ve said something different in that argument that you had in 2011.
Ever since it’s been brought to my attention that you can say Covid 19 to the tune of, Come on Eileen, I’ve been unable to read it any other way.
Explaining bedtime to the kids: “It’s not about how tired you are, it’s about how tired you’re making everyone else.
What doesn’t kill you, makes you kind of nervous for the rest of your life.
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that “diet” has the word die in it.
If it actually snows, please stay home. Y’all can’t even drive when it’s sunny. Lol
It might be called social media, but all I do is share photos and ignore people.
I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in face, but with words.
I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous.
I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?
The trash gets picked up tomorrow, be ready.
There’s no water in hell, only a bunch of sick jokes about pee-pees.
Putting groceries in the freezer is like Tetris, taking them out is like Jenga.
Your face makes onions cry.
Congratulations, everyone who heard what you just said had their IQ drop 90 points.
Before Therapy: I hate people. After Therapy: I feel good about hating people. 