Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Like this status if you know someone who's only alive because you don't want to go to jail...

   I hate when I walk through a metal detector and my abs of steel set them off.

   We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.

   I just put a childproof lock on my liquor cabinet. No, I don't have any kids... I just installed it to remind myself of what it can lead to.

   Being a responsible adult is seriously messing up my social life.

   You look familiar to me. Are you the person that my parents warned me about? If so... do you wanna get a room?

   Wives are funny creatures. They won't have sex with their husbands for weeks but then they want to kill the first woman who does.

   If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.

   I texted my girlfriend "I love you" and she texted back "I love you more. When I went to respond I made a typo and sent "I love you moist"....I figured why correct it, it's true too.

   I just got smiled at by a lovely cashier who has plenty of teeth, but clearly only brushes her favorites.

   You all drink too much, you cuss too much, and you all have very questionable morals... Everything I ever wanted in a friend!

   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "WTF! You too? I thought I was the only one."

   It's 2011, microwaves should have one button that says Cook Shit.

   I don't come to Facebook to read the status updates as a time killer anymore, I come to read the fights in the comment box. It's more entertaining.

   I had to complain to my neighbor again about her sunbathing while I am NOT at home

   I just figured out what it is I say to people to get them to tell me their innermost, messed-up thoughts: "Hi."

   Haters can only hate the things they can't have and the people they can't be.

   So now if you tell a woman you want to eat her is she going to cover her face and scream?

   When I die I don't want to be in a casket at the Funeral Home... I want them to prop me up sitting in the front row... just to mess with people as they walk in.

   Updating my resume... What's a fancy way to say, "I haven't done anything for the past 6 months?"