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Whenever I accidentally enter a wrong room I like to yell out a large number before excusing myself and leaving. That way everyone is left with a mystery to discuss, such as "What the hell does 402 mean?" 
I hate to brag, but it's the most effortless way to enlighten people about my magnificence.
The next person to tell me I overreact is going to get stabbed.
You're saying I'm immature. Well, you're immature times infinity.
Yesterday, citizens of Norway woke up to a weird blue light in the sky, which the Russian Defense Ministry later claimed was due to a failed missle test. Thank goodness. I was worried it was a UFO. It's nice to know it's just a renegade Russian missle.
February 14, 2010 will now be known as "Singles Awareness Day. F you to all the candymakers, cardmakers, jewlers, florists, and Cupid!
thinkin' about going out tonight, because the Beastie Boys fought, and possibly died, for my right to party.
read that Pat Robertson claims all the snow on the East Coast is God punishing them for Jersey Shore.
You never really learn how to swear until you begin to drive.
Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
Did you ever notice that all lesbians look like Justin Bieber?
whenever you don't feel special or the world is draggin you down. just remember this.. there's always beer."
beer doesn't make me post better Facebook Status updates, it just makes me not care what you think of them.
i suppose those highway signs that read "Speed enforced by aircraft" has a more serious meaning in Iraq.
wonders how people who work in BubbleWrap factories get ANY work done at all.
Remember before they had Hummers when you had to actually talk to a guy to tell if he was an a**hole?
figured out when ordering at Starbucks, it pretty much works out to $1 a word
One of the biggest benchmarks of true adulthood is when you come to the realization that all teenagers are douche bags.
What doesn't kill you makes you slower. -Ancient Zombie Wisdom
feeling so good today. High-five the person next to you and tell them it's from me. 