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All voicemails from my Grandmother start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with her trying to dial another number. 
So it's said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I say, "What doesn't kill me better run like hell!"
If you get a tattoo on your face you can pretty much guarantee you are no longer anyone's emergency contact.
Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
All our problems in the Middle East started when Indiana Jones shot that guy waving the sword around.
My ex and I were together for 7 years. Evidently I broke a mirror.
My divorce judge told me I needed to supply my xwife with a vehicle, I just UPSD'd her a broom
Still waiting on the United States to hold concerts for money to donate to Alabama and those affected in the horrible tornados. We do it for everyone else for any other reason right?
if you don't like someone on facebook, there's this awesome block button. it saves a lot of drama.
If Eve cursed the entire human race just for an apple, I can only imagine what she would do for a Klondike bar.
I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure. - Mark Twain
They should make a Rosetta Stone that helps men understand what the f*ck women are actually trying to say.
I never know when it will strike... but there comes a moment at work when I've made up my mind that I'm not doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
I'll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
If I've learned one thing from Facebook... it's how to get a ton of work done in an hour after wasting 80% of my day Facebooking.
Would like to give a big shout out to the people that are hard of hearing
They can go ahead and change the name "land line" to "cell phone finder" now.
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking garages look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
You know what my problem is? People telling me what my problem is.
I wish I had a job where I could frequently say, "If my calculations are correct..." 