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I went to the docs the other day. He told me to stop eating so many eggs. I said " Why? Is my cholestorol that high?" . He said "No but your farts are absolutely f *cking rank!!" 
Happy 75th Birthday,Elvis!
..walked into a butchers and saw some meat hanging from the ceiling. The butcher said he'd give me $100 if I i could jump up and touch them. I said "no" and he asked why. I said "Because the steaks are too high."
Z is the last letter in the alphabet because it overslept.
We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
What can a lawyer do that a duck can't? Stick it's bill up it's arse.
I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am...
Women don't hit harder. We hit lower.
When dogs leap onto your bed,it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed,it's because they adore your bed.
...wanted to buy some goose feathers but couldn't afford the down payment..
I used to have an invisible friend, then I stopped going to church.
not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am...
I just paid $200 to join the National Believers in Reincarnation Club. It cost alot but oh well,you only live once.
Just started the all donut diet, or as I like to call it, Glazed Anatomy.
You're never more indignant in life than when you're shopping in a store that you feel is beneath you and one of the other customers mistakes you for an employee of that store.
...warns you this Halloween to beware of strangers bearing strange tools like chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, and band saws.
My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist.They kept fighting tooth and nail.
My local newspaper is now publishing online. I'm potty training my puppy and he's already ruined three computers.
...thinks the "vamps" in Twilight and New Moon look like a cross between The Cure & NSYNC..ooohh..such shiny white fangs too! [Search Results] [View All Messages]
