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My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will. 
No I didn't watch the VMA. I was unaware MTV EVEN showed music videos anymore
Today, I found out that ‘Made in China' stickers are made in Korea. Mind = BLOWN!
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.
Who wants to help me fill blow-up dolls with helium and release them tomorrow?
I dont see your silence as a punishment, I accept it as a gift, Thankyou.!!.
Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.
The only people that don't make mistakes are those that aren't doing anything
Hugh Hefner dumped at the alter! Thats sad after he wasted those whole 2 months getting to know her.
What is a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
When someone tells me smoking is harmful, I throw my cigarette down and say "Serious? There, I've just quit! Quick let's go warn the others!
Dont you hate when you lying to somebody and someone else come out of nowhere like "oh yeah, I heard about that"..... lol.... NO you didnt, cause I made it up!!!
i bet Bin Laden regrets allowing his iPhone app to 'use current location'...
According to ABC news the mission to assassinate Osama Bin Laden was carried out by a unit so secret their existence cannot be verified....THE A-TEAM IS BACK!
You know...Barbie has an awful lot of nice things for a girl whose knees do not bend.
AT&T and T-Mobile are getting married, There will be no reception.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
69% of people; find something DIRTY in every sentence
If there is enough room to spell 'bootylicious' on the back of your shorts...it probably isn't
not waiting another minute for the lab results... the Valentine cookies from my ex-wife look good and I am feeling lucky.
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