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20 years ago nobody knew what gluten was, now there are only 3 people left in the world that can still eat a bagel. 
if you want to memorialize a veteran, you should kick a politician in their genitals. .
I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I've decided to start growling.
Should I check my bank account balance or continue having an okay day?
Sending troops to Liberia to fight Ebola? Are they going to shoot at it?
On the bright side, selfie sticks are also lightning rods.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Hey Victoria's Secret, I like to keep my panty selection private so if your cashiers wouldn't hold them up like Simba when folding them, that'd be great.
Having sex with your ex on a Thursday isn't cheating, it's a throwback.
PRO TIP: If you post a pic of the temperature in your car on Facebook the University of Phoenix will email you a Meteorology degree.
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
I'm sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they've won the Canadian lottery.
You know...Barbie has an awful lot of nice things for a girl whose knees do not bend.
AT&T and T-Mobile are getting married, There will be no reception.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
69% of people; find something DIRTY in every sentence
If there is enough room to spell 'bootylicious' on the back of your shorts...it probably isn't
not waiting another minute for the lab results... the Valentine cookies from my ex-wife look good and I am feeling lucky.
Wouldn't it make more sense for laptop makers like Dell and HP to make the cooling fan on the top of the keyboard area instead of having it reach searing temperatures on my lap due to lack of air flow? My name is Randee and common sense was my idea 