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Sometimes I read Facebook status updates and I can't understand them. Then I say to hell with it and read some that aren't mine. 
children shopping for cereal are like men shopping for lingerie; they don't care which kind they get as long as they get the prize inside!!
Just once I'd like to see someone in a movie call bullsh*t when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555.
A job interview is like a first date. You dress up, pretend to be someone else and spend the time wondering if you're going to get screwed.
Why are they calling the music I grew up on "Classic Rock"? I'm not that old...am I?
Being a lot more reckless these days, ever since I found that 1-UP mushroom.
My whipped ice dairy drink brings the attention of many males to my place of residence and they declare its quality far surpasses yours. Absolutely, it far surpasses yours. I could convey to you the recipe but I would have to demand compensation
As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
there are more important things in life than money. The trouble is, they all cost money.
Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' when parked illegally.
The thing I miss most about being a kid is having the ability to fall asleep nearly anywhere and it's still socially acceptable.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
You don't know fear until you hear someone cough underneath your bed.
Yay! I can now afford the iPhone 4!
My Dr told me to start my exercise program slowly, so today I drove past a store that sells sweatpants..
Love is.......having sex with someone when you're sober.
I would never make fun of a fat person at the gym. At least they are trying to do something about it and deserve cheers not jeers.
You can now buy "throw back" Pepsi with real sugar. Where can I find throw back Coca-Cola with real cocaine?
Piñatas are a great way to show kids that using assault with a deadly weapon is a fun way to get what they want. 