Funny Status Messages

   Once I'm finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.

   You'd be surprised how people get the words "f*ck off" confused with "please continue."

   (on facebook) Friend 1: ugh, I feel so crap I hate my life. Friend 2: aww babe whats wrong??. Friend 1: inbox? Friend 2: yeah okay. Rest of us: well f*ck you then.

   The porn industry needs to realize that a 42 year old woman in pigtails and knee high socks isn't "Barely Legal".

   It doesn't take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.

   Ghetto pronunciation: Bathroom = Baafrumm, Refrigerator = Fridgerataa, Remote = Moken Troll.

   You know things must've gotten serious when you see a gold hoop earring laying in the Walmart parking lot.

   I leaked a sex tape of myself 3 months ago. It has 14 hits! Those hits are from me checking to see how many hits it has :/

   I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...

   You don't know fear until you hear someone cough underneath your bed.

   Yay! I can now afford the iPhone 4!

   My Dr told me to start my exercise program slowly, so today I drove past a store that sells sweatpants..

   Love is.......having sex with someone when you're sober.

   I would never make fun of a fat person at the gym. At least they are trying to do something about it and deserve cheers not jeers.

   You can now buy "throw back" Pepsi with real sugar. Where can I find throw back Coca-Cola with real cocaine?

   Piñatas are a great way to show kids that using assault with a deadly weapon is a fun way to get what they want.

   How embarrassing would it be if Facebook automatically updated statuses to what you where doing. “Billy is alone in his room.”

   Kim Kardashian settles lawsuit with Old Navy over stealing her likeness; also settles with The Gap over stealing her nickname.

   Only 10 days until Facebook is stacked with return to the gym statuses and pictures of salads.

   The Price Is Right losing horn should play every time you think you've found a parking space but it's actually filled by a small car or motorcycle