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wanted to burn some calories today, so I set fire to a fat kid. 
Life is the art of drawing without an eraser.
Life is a comedy for those who think... and a tragedy for those who feel.
"hi, you are through to the incontinence hotline..........can you hold please?"
Never mind being "Popular" in High School.... Now there's Facebook...
if at first you don't succeed, maybe you just suck!!!
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way...
I think you misunderstood me. I said "go phuck yourself" with a PH. So, that makes it cool and not remotely offensive... Phucktard.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives...
You better put a condom on , if you're gonna act like a d!ck you need to dress like one.
tired of people giving me a skewed or heart-wrenching fact, then asking me to post it as my status, THEN mysteriously having the clarvoyance to tell me what percent of people won't post it as their status. HONK if this annoys you!
There are [0/1 (52x^7/2 – 66x^5/2 + 22x^3/2) / vx) dx] kinds of people in this World...Those who understand Calculus and those Who Don't !
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain
just had a work email from someone asking to "bare with me" until the system is back up. I replied that I didn't see how nudity would fix the problem.
Thinks the person who came up with the phrase "some assembly required" never tried to assemble anything!
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
its amusing listening to someone's lie when you already know the truth
People don't change... They just learn to lie better!
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
I'm only as nice as people allow me to be, so don't push my jerk button and we'll be great 