MBH Funny Status Messages

   I noticed a lot of people looking at me today and laughing, so I kept checking my fly to see if it was open. That's all it could possibly be because these cut-off jean shorts are awesome.

   I just read this in a news story: “Williams' body was found stuffed in a bag in the bathroom of his apartment with no obvious signs of foul play.” Um, isn't his body being in a bag in the bathroom a pretty good indicator that something went wrong?

   I'm never going to grow up. I'm just going to stop hiding what I do from my parents and start hiding it from my kids.

   There are two things I do at the ATM - deposit and withdraw. I don't even check my balance, because it's on the receipt. So, for the love of God, can someone please tell me what the douche in front of me has been doing for the past 10 minutes???

   I'm an organ donor, but I'm pretty sure all they're going to use is my liver for "after" photos.

   Today my friend told me that she's "addicted" to running. The only way I'm becoming "addicted" to running is if I'm also "addicted" to being chased by wild animals or the cops.

   Dear reply-to-all sender, we obviously have a mutual friend here and even though I've never met you, I hate you already.

   Just farted and it sounded like a baby elephant discovering how to use it's trunk.

   What is with these married women and their excessively long names on Facebook? I wonder if Michelle Carrie Ann Thompson-Anderson realizes her last name is a f*cking run-on sentence. Trim that sh*t down, b*tch.

   Why is Monday so far from Friday, but Friday so close to Monday?

   I wouldn't call it a career, it's more of a soul-sucking paycheck making machine.

   Interviewer asked Tiger Woods what happened in the tournament. "I'm having a hard time controlling my balls." You think?

   I wish I was friends with a midget so I could introduce by saying, "Say hello to my little friend."

   You're only young once. After that, you need some other excuse for acting like an idiot.

   When people ask me to keep them in my prayers, I say sure. I should probably clarify though that most of my prayers are about nachos. So if you need a nacho-related prayer, I'm your guy.

   I'm watching Scarface 'cause I'm gangsta... On VHS 'cause I'm old school.

   Free samples shouldn't be limited to ice cream stores. How can I be sure this fifth of Vodka is worth the 6 dollars without a quick chug?

   I've noticed the drunker women get the more they want to sing hits from the 80s.

   Love is like a beach ball at a rock concert. It's fun for the people that get to be a part of it and just plain annoying for everyone else.

   Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and then a diet coke?