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Yesterday at the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History Security was all over the area... They patted me up and down a couple of times... They frisked me, I was even groped. Then I got back in line. 
Never underestimate an underachiever. We're capable of less than you think.
I'm doing a marathon today! 14 hours of Law & Order SVU!!!
"I have explosive diarrhea" can pretty much get you out of any social commitment.
I never had a near death experience. But I did once take a cab through Manhattan during rush hour.
Not many people take kindly to me. I really like those kinds of people.
It's bad manners to ask someone how many people they've murdered.
Working out in my basement. So far, no one has hit on me.
You're only as attractive as getting your photo taken in the middle of a yawn.
Hiccups: Karma's way of saying " I'm busy right now, but heres a lil somethin something to annoy the shit out of you for a while
Had sex last night and was told "I loved every second of it" And now confused?!?!?
If you love something set it free because you’re intolerable and love is a prison
Please don’t ask me for advice about life because I will accidentally screw up yours too.
I can act my age just fine… until you say ~ hormone
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.
I tried to make whoopee to the entire orchestra but I only got to second bass.
Just sort of hoping for accidental success at this point.
Listening to The Police on Pandora. ...."I resolve to call her up a thousand times a day." ... Dude, I'm fairly certain that will creep her out. (Just sayin'.)
My memory is so bad that.............
Careful! That's my only VHS copy of "The Money Pit". 