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This Halloween I'm going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn't answer the door after 8pm. 
Trying to argue with someone over text is like drinking alcohol to lose weight.
Shortest 1st date ever she asked what's my favorite movie & I said Ghostbusters & then she asked what's it about..
its impossible to play hide and seek with the dog
Let's forget about the remake of Dirty Dancing like we forgot about Bill Cosby
Maybe Farmers Insurance will do a commercial with Tiger driving now!
I just want the confidence of a short guy in a big SUV.
Was watching the old Night of the living Dead. I though how awful that would be. All those smoke detectors beeping from low batteries.
OJ told the judge "I would kill to get out of here".
Dear Summer.....where are you going???Why are you leaving me??? Whyyyyyyyy.... All these back to school pics...and and and...school supplies.....and .....school zone lights are flashing again....
Dont forget to remind your exes to look at the solar eclipse today!
Most wives don't mind if their husband brings some work home with them to do. But my sister sure does. Her husband is a mortician.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner and facial recognition software.
Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world.
I'm sure the people at the NSA are dancing like little school girls right
Does anyone know the name of that Jennifer Aniston movie? You know. The one where she plays a quirky girl who untimately finds love in the end?
Y'all. I thought we were all streaking as an homage to Hugh Hefner. Anyway, I'm gonna need bail money. Again.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
How come when ur wife's pregnant all her female friends rub her tummy & say 'congratulations!' but nobody rubs your balls saying 'good job'?
Pin Up Boards - A good reminder to let you know you're getting old or that you have too much Sh*t going on in your life that you need to remember!!!
How can you look at some of the people you see in Wal-Mart and still believe in Intelligent Design?
Me and my band 'The Black Eyed Teeth' are releasing our new single 'I've got a filling' 