lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

   Girls:If you get a message from your boyfriend saying that he wants to "kick your puppy", don't call the RSPCA...He's just not very good at predictive text.

   Love is blind. Hate is deaf. You'd think Stupid would be mute but I keep on talking.

   They say that three out of four Americans have a mental illness of some kind. Look at three of your friends. If they seem okay,then you're that person.

   The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the toilet.

   I spent a lot of time trying to come up with a pun about limousines, but I have nothing to chauffeur it.

   I walked into my local newsagent and noticed he put a "NO READING IN THIS SHOP!" sign up. So I grabbed four bars of chocolate and said "Which one of these is a KitKat?"

   It's easy to get people dancing at parties. Just hold up the line for the bathroom.

   Never date a tennis player; to them love means nothing.

   Happy Birthday Eastenders! 25 years of bad acting and impossible storylines. And still we're hooked.

   Every once in a brownish-purple moon, I worry that I might be colorblind.

   Santa must be a man. No woman would be caught dead wearing the same clothes every Christmas!

   If opportunity really wanted my attention, it would have rung the doorbell.

   Did you hear about the Chinese parents who gave birth to a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong."

   I wonder that when a bird gets a blow to the head,does it see a circle of flying humans?

   They say children brighten up the household. That's because they never turn out the ilghts.

   John Terry explained he didn't mean to have sex with Vanessa Perroncel - he just slipped while he was showing her how to take a penalty.

   When people say they've "tied the knot",they mean they got married. Or tied a knot around their neck. Which is the same thing anyways.

   wants money for nothing and the chicks for free.

   A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.