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will not be updating his status today.. 
Likes to practice my "emergency situation" speed at by pretending I'm being chased by zombies or a murderer every time I unlock the door or start the car at night.
After getting out of bed and not seeing the shoe that one of my dogs left in hallway, I have come to the conclusion that gravity is a b!tch.
I'd stand a much greater chance at checking out those spam porn emails if they didn't read something like, "young cuties horses XXX mother/son gangbang bondage erotica!" Uh, all at the same time, or...?
The only magic trick I know is transforming a full potato chip bag into a trash bag.
You know the economy is bad when...Congress decides to keep their hands in their OWN pockets.
Constipation is like teenage love: can't sleep, can't eat, and it hurts when it leaves you.
Does anyone think that Snooki's latest "Disorderly Conduct at the Beach" have to do with her stomach being out?
How the heck did America get to the point where Congress can actually issue a Subpoena for Records and then when they get them turn around and destroy those records?
Glad the election is ending so people will stop hating me based on my political views and just go back to hating me based on my personality.
Canadas imagration website has crashed. No joke.
Canadian Immigration site just crashed...no seriously, it crashed last night around 10:30 pm due to high traffic...let that sink in for a bit.
*at starbucks.. ME: Can I take some wifi home with me?... BARISTA: Um,,, sure?.... ME: (holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid) ... Thanks.
I'm looking for funding to publish my last two status updates...
Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?
An #Asian in charge of #Transportation? Plus also being #female? I plead the 5th on the grounds of making people mad with the joke I have.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
I'm compiling my 2018 resolutions now, just because I know I can procrastinate some times..
My wife bought me an adult coloring book. I need a bigger variety of flesh colored crayons
I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy. 