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Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face. 
Our reality has become a nightmare from which we cannot awake.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Excuse me, but does this sumo wrestler costume make me look fat?
Someone probably choked to death on food in the Death Star cafeteria and everyone thought it was Vader doing it.
OKAY honey don't freak out someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn't do the dishes.
The sign said "Buy One, Get One Free!" but I only needed one. So I took just the free one. My hearing is next week.
I was dragged outta the Chinese All you Can Eat Buffet today because I refused to leave....
I tried to Bring Sexy Back but they said "Sorry. No refunds."
You'd think by the amount of people claiming to have native blood that we native men would have a better reputation as lovers
Finally, OJ can go after Nicole's murderer.
forget senior discounts..Oj can get free stuff just buy saying something like "I'd kill to have some coffee right now"
No need to drive me crazy, I can walk from here.
Someone asked for a donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave them a glass of water.
I wonder how many more times I can eat cake before the world ends.
My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea. They’re not the best meds in the world, but they’re right up there.
This world is seriously messed up. Tom Petty died while Justin Bieber is still alive and well.
Don’t be shy, even cats lick each other.
Penguins mate for life but also have the highest rate of alcoholism among any animal.
a lot of younger folks won’t remember this but before 9/11 you were allowed to grill your own meats on airplanes 