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There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum. 
My Indian name is 'Dances with Panda Express'.
*Bites into a grilled cheese sandwich*... *cuts tongue*... Wtf,, this IS sharp cheddar
The only thing worse than Penn State honoring Joe Paterno before the Temple game would be if Temple honored Bill Cosby.
When I see a framed first dollar earned hanging in a business I wonder how many stripper's butt cracks it was in before that.
Ann Coulter called "c*nt" 19 times during the 2 hour Comedy Central roast. Less than she's used to over a 2 hour period, but still a lot.
Liver: Is today your birthday? Me: No. I'm watching the Presidential Debate. Liver: Oh Ok, that makes sense. Please continue!!!
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I'm old enough to remember using the ash tray in cars for cigarette butts ..
If Scott Baio doesn't scream out BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YOU SAY BAIO BAIOOO during sex then clearly he's not in charge of anything.
Christmas is really kind of weird. “Let’s all sit around a dead tree in the living room and eat candy out of our socks”
The Better Business Bureau just released a list of the top 10 holiday scams to avoid. And get this, the list only cost me $300.
*At Super Bowl Party Sunday* Hey honey, they've got a WHOLE bunch of jumbo shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
If coronavirus isn't about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor? - me as a marriage counselor
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
If I ever get a dog, I think I'll name him Peeve. Then I can introduce him as my pet peeve.
Sorry I've been slacking. I was looking at ways to track my Stimulus check yourself and came across Stimulate yourself. Damn I need a cigarette now !
We have so much in common. You love to travel and I want you to go
Had I known back in March it would be the last time I'd be in a restaurant, I would have ordered dessert. 