Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   People who remove the the vowels to text..why don't you do us all a favor and remove the consonants too?

   I'm playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can't get off the couch or I'll die.

   I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes - "open bar"

   Watching movies alone sucks. There's no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"

   Every time I pull a flash drive out of a computer I feel like a spy.

   My FB account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

   A woman walks up to the golf pro at her country club and complains that something must be done about the bees on the course. "Where did you get stung?" he asks. "Between the first and second holes," she says. "Well then, your stance is too wide."

   Since the world is ending in 2012, I've decided to buy everything at places with a "Don't pay until 2013" plan.

   Nothing says "I don't have a mode of transportation" like being the dude hugging another dude on the back of a Harley.

   Ladies, if the story he is telling you is extremely detailed then he is lying.

   If weed was ever legalized, I can't wait to see the commercials...

   Facebook: a place where people announce their problems to the world but not to the person they have a problem with.

   I love getting voicemails from my grandma. They usually consist of a pause, then "I don't think he's home."

   Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?

   Today is Compliment Someone Randomly Day. And may I just say that this paper bag would go beautifully with that outfit you're wearing.

   No thanks, 5 Hour Energy, I'd rather have a 5 Hour Nap.

   Turns out people can still hear you even if you're wearing sunglasses.

   Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?

   I am pretty sure that my cute neighbor thinks that I am a stalker. She wrote it on Facebook, Twitter and in her diary.

   Facebook needs to add "still banging my ex" as a relationship status option.