Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   A study finds that most US currency is laced with cocaine. In fact, most dollar bills have a street value of $1.07.

   In America, you will eventually have a President that used to play Pokemon as a child. Scary.

   What do you give to a man who has everything? A burglar alarm.

   Our local pharmacy was robbed of 60 bottles of Viagara today. Police say the suspect is a hardened criminal.

   I always try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.

   Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

   My baby just did something so smart that I'm thinking of ordering a maternity test

   I met this girl who was so ugly that Facebook banned her profile pic and sent her back to Myspace.

   My son has painted the most beautiful mural. On the side of our house. His new family will be so proud.

   They say that licking the back of a frog cures depression. The only problem is that once you stop,the frog gets depressed again.

   Stephen Hawking had a hot date last night. She stood him up... And he immediately fell on the floor.

   My first time doing stand up comedy was like losing my virginity: uncomfortable,awkward but I did get alot of laughs!

   OFFICE MEMO: Mrs. Waite is doing all my work today. If you're in a rush for it,go to Helen Waite

   Everyone's days are numbered. It's called a calendar.

   My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

   I walked into my local newsagent and noticed he put a "NO READING IN THIS SHOP!" sign up. So I grabbed four bars of chocolate and said "Which one of these is a KitKat?"

   How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side.

   This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club.I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.

   How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. They never keep the house.

   Kentucky man wins 128 million dollar lottery. Says he will share winnings with his wife and sister. Lucky woman!