lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   When she asked me "What kind of idiot are you?" it took me awhile to realize it wasn't a Facebook quiz.

   A Canadian is an unarmed American with health insurance.

   Two guys came knocking at my door once and said: "We want to talk to you about Jesus." I said: "Oh, no, what's he done now?"

   Police Station toilet stolen. Cops have nothing to go on.

   My nephew was really scared after swallowing some lego. He was sh*tting bricks for a few days.

   The iPad: protecting your data from embarrassing incidents.

   So it's mothers day and I had trouble deciding what to get my mother-in-law I couldn't choose between a Toyota Prius or a holiday in Haiti, so eventually I plumped for luging lessons in Vancouver.

   Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.

   ..poked in the heart and you're to blame..you give Facebook a bad name..

   I must be allergic to peanuts. I break into a rash every payday.

   St. Patricks Day. The only time of the year when people are proud of having a bit of Irish in them.

   .as the Pope visits us here in the U.K.,i ask myself "If Catholics say God looks down on homosexuality,what does He do when your Priests are messing with little boys? Whistle and turn the other way?"

   ..instead of politicians saying "My heart goes out to the brave soldiers fighting in Afghanistan..." how about saying "A plane goes out to the brave soldiers fighting in Afghanistan to get them the f*ck out of there!"?

   I met this girl who was so ugly that Facebook banned her profile pic and sent her back to Myspace.

   Last week,i did a bit of stand up at an old folks home. Tough crowd. They wouldn't answer my Knock-Knock jokes until I showed some I.D.

   Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

   It was so cold this morning she actually saw a solicitor with his hands in his own pockets!

   Random thought: Ed Hardy shirts are the new sweatpants; wearing them in public means you've given up on life.

   I just saw 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the most obvious one was "Shout For Help".

   It's terrible how many cable channels are filled with nudity. And how few of those channels come with basic service