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Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster. 
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
If you are ever wondering who your real friends are, delete your Facebook account and see who calls.
[Vaccination center] Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Life Coach: Get out there and show the world what you’re made of! Gingerbread Man: Not sure that’s a good idea.
[Restaurant] Waiter: Sir would you care to choose your lobster? Me: There’s only 1 in the tank & he’s holding a sign that says ‘I have a family’
"Jesus Loves You" is a great thing to hear in Church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
I'm as broke as a pick pocket in a nudist colony.
Blonde girl tells her Blonde friend. I just f cked a " Brazilian " guy.
She said " You Slut! How many is a Brazilian!?"
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diahrea,does that mean 1 enjoys it?
The key to happiness is self-delusion. Try not to think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion.
Attention Everyone: Hillbilly is really Re-run. Don't be fooled by Hillbilly's lies.
If protesting for social justice was good for business, THEN...Kaepernick would have a job! The NFL will soon be in hospice care.
I just checked on my Farmville after 3 years. It's now a Wal-mart
No way the Reese's Cups make it till Tuesday...
The reason you get paid more at a sperm bank than a blood bank is because the sperm is hand made.
I put the Nicoderm patch on my exhaust pipe & it still smokes. I don't think those work as good as they claim
If you're going to open a strip club. Don't name it the G spot. Because men will never be able to find it.
The Pope has now said "there is no Hell". Where am I gonna tell people to go now?
I pick up a copy of the new book The Long Walk Home by Miss. D. Bus. 