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Ever notice it's only "stalking" if the person doing the stalking is unattractive. 
I'm just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman's mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. Time.
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
Some people grunt at the gym; I scream at the top of my lungs THEY KILLED MY FAMILY as I lift weights.
Golf ball sized hail wouldn't be so destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.Do I have to think of everything?!
The AMA does NOT reward talented MUSICIANS for making remarkable music, it rewards ENTERTAINERS for entertaining the easily entertained.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
8 year old kids today have Facebook, twitter, phones, iPod. When I was there age, I had a coloring book, crayons, chalk, and imagination.
Ladies: guys don't care if the carpet matches the drapes as long as there is no rug on the back porch.
Dear Tampax... a few thoughts.. World peace.. Vibrating tampons... you're welcome.
The Pinky Toe:The most sensitive part of your body when it comes to finding furniture in the Dark.
the deputy in the van did NOT think it was funny when I pulled along side the striped uniform worker and yelled "QUICK, GET IN!"
I'm having one of those days where when I get home I'm going to lean against the door, and slide down it while dramatically sighing.
I want to know... when someone says they are going to kick your ass, why do they punch you in the face?
anyone going to tell America's Funniest Home Videos about youtube?
Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I miss the good old days when rock stars abused drugs and alchohol. Now they abuse auto-tune and Photoshop. 