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I’m just glad election week is over ... 
GI joe is short for gastrointestinal joseph.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal? Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I went to marriage counseling once. I spent $7,000 to have two women call me an arsshole.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
My wife asked me to put up a canopy with bright lights. I told her now is the winter of our disco tent.
Amen; The wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her.... Probably should have specified "with me"
Women say they want security. At least that's what the scream when I come near them.
Please let's keep it private on Valentine's day this year with the "I'm so in love!" posts, as some of us are single here.
No one ever injured their eyesight by looking on the bright side of things.
Happy St Patrick's Day, the day when everybody gets together and pretends they're Irish. Except for the Irish -- they pretend they're sober.
Life doesn’t hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon.
There were no Tide pods back in my day....we just ate it by the scoop like maniacs
I only have 2 regrets in life. Some girls I wished I slept with and some girls I wish I hadn't!
Me: "I'm disappointed with my life." Life: "The feeling is mutual."
Knowledge is knowing what to say. Wisdom is knowing when to say it.
I remember with fondness what grandpa used to always say at family reunions. He'd shout, "WHAT THE HELL'S A KLONDIKE BAR?"
I don't drink to forget, I… what was I saying?
i think the funniest thing in the world is my dad leaving me a msg on my cell thinking that I can hear him and actually pick it up...
Some people are as useless as a "Sign in" button for Myspace. 