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Life was a lot easier when I believed in Santa Claus. . . 
♫ All in all, it’s just a… nother post on my wall. ♫
Tip for next month: Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you'll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals......
Houston we have a ball game
Never think of yourself as worthless. Organs go for a lot of money on the black market.
Ive started reading my boys facebook statuses at night instead of bedtime stories, so they'll understand the importance of an education.....
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when you first dating? Well, after 30 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
I wish I could feel as happy as an adult,, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
It's all fun and games until someone brings out Monopoly.....
I’m not superstitious but I am a little stitious.
I'm so ugly, when I play Mortal Combat, Scorpion tells me "Stay Over There!".
does anyone remember when lol meant “laughing out loud” instead of “this is to indicate that this brief text isnt hostile”
If you want me to leave my house I need three days notice.
Alcohol...because people annoy me but I'm also lonely
Personal care products for men: This bottle contains body gel, shampoo, conditioner and moisterizer. For women: This bottle contains treatment for your left knee. For right knee products, check Aisle 7.
Mint julep or tequila? Happy Kentucky de Mayo!!!
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
When I was a kid my parents would say "You'll understand when you're older." Well now I'm older and I still don't understand. 