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This Uber app is the worst dating site ever. A lot of dates but zero action... 
Today my virtually 3 year old daughter can unlock a mobile phone, open and close apps all by herself, at that age I ate sand !
Whoever has voodoo doll of me, please have me clean the house and then recline me on the couch.
I stand with Tiger Woods, he obviously needs help standing.
Charlie Sheen has all this "tiger" blood I guess its only fair Tiger has a little "Charlie" blood.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
. Have you heard the saying the truth will set you free? I told the judge the truth and got three years.
If you're ever in a bathroom & see a glory hole; a fun thing to do is attach a hornet nest to it.
I wish I had a "friend with benefits." By benefits, I mean they'd own an ice cream store and the benefits would be free ice cream.
Monica Lewinsky has launched her new 'patriotic' theme designer dresses...they are available in red, white and blew
Notice when you call a 1-800 techical support number you get an assistance operator in India? Wonder when a person in India call for technical support if they get an amercian operator.
I'm guessing an appropriate term for those pics women take of their own rear-ends could be labeled as "smellfies."
Diet Journal, day 99: Going well. Lost 4 lbs already and the neighbor's daschunds are looking less like chocolate eclairs...
I did a little studying on Einstein's theory of relativity. I discovered that I am not related to him. . .
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn't even have a cape.
*God creating dogs,, GOD: These will be great companions for people... ANGEL: An excellent creation sir... GOD: But better than people.. Just, WAY better... esp. during election season
Childhood is just the ‘free trial’ edition of life. When it ends, you have to pay for the full version or else you’ll lose everything.
I hope that wherever my missing socks end up, they're happy. That's what really matters.
I don't dwell on past mistakes. I have family for that.
Carrie Fisher will forever stake claim on the title of Best Buns. 